You question every decision you’ve ever made leading up to and including this baby.
You wonder if you’ll ever be happy again.
You are scared you are the only woman to ever feel this way because no one ever talked to you about this so everyone else must be feeling sunshine and rainbows like good mothers should.
You are doing great taking care of your baby. Completing every new task thrown your way and never questioning your will or determination to be the best damn parent you can be.
But you find yourself running through the PPD checklist over and over again just to be sure you don’t fit the criteria. You don’t, but something still doesn’t feel right.
Everything you do is utilitarian. You don’t seem to get much joy from taking care of your baby. Yet you are proud of how well you seem to be doing at it. Why is everyone else smiling so much?
Everyone has so many questions. You don’t have any answers. You begin to resent anytime someone asks you anything. Why is he crying? How are you feeling? Did you sleep? Do you want some breakfast? What time is it? Did you make it outside this week? Do you have the baby blues? Do you have Post Partum Depression?
Do you want me to take him for a bit? This one is the worst and the best question. It’s the worst because in the first two weeks after birth you are participating in a crash course on human raising. There isn’t always going to be someone there to hold the baby while you go into your room, shut the door and cry. So you say no I’m fine. In your head you say, suck it the fuck up and learn how to soothe this baby. By the fifth time they ask (if they are an amazing person and keep asking you because they don’t want to give up on you even though you’ve been a garbage person to them) you hand over the baby and go into your room and cry until you fall asleep for 16 minutes then you hear the baby cry and feel guilty again.
One day you start to feel better. Then the next day you feel even better. You see a light at the end of the tunnel! Ha! You beat it! You start to mention it to other moms you know and guess what? They went through the same thing! You start to feel like yourself again. When you look at your baby you feel love and joy. And since you learned how resilient you are and how NOT ALONE you are, when the next low hits you are ready for it! (And trust, it WILL hit again)