When you are somewhere between Baby Blues and Post Partum Depression

You question every decision you’ve ever made leading up to and including this baby.

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You wonder if you’ll ever be happy again.

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You are scared you are the only woman to ever feel this way because no one ever talked to you about this so everyone else must be feeling sunshine and rainbows like good mothers should.

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You are doing great taking care of your baby. Completing every new task thrown your way and never questioning your will or determination to be the best damn parent you can be.

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But you find yourself running through the PPD checklist over and over again just to be sure you don’t fit the criteria. You don’t, but something still doesn’t feel right.

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Everything you do is utilitarian. You don’t seem to get much joy from taking care of your baby. Yet you are proud of how well you seem to be doing at it. Why is everyone else smiling so much?

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Everyone has so many questions. You don’t have any answers. You begin to resent anytime someone asks you anything. Why is he crying? How are you feeling? Did you sleep? Do you want some breakfast? What time is it? Did you make it outside this week? Do you have the baby blues? Do you have Post Partum Depression?

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Do you want me to take him for a bit? This one is the worst and the best question. It’s the worst because in the first two weeks after birth you are participating in a crash course on human raising. There isn’t always going to be someone there to hold the baby while you go into your room, shut the door and cry. So you say no I’m fine. In your head you say, suck it the fuck up and learn how to soothe this baby. By the fifth time they ask (if they are an amazing person and keep asking you because they don’t want to give up on you even though you’ve been a garbage person to them) you hand over the baby and go into your room and cry until you fall asleep for 16 minutes then you hear the baby cry and feel guilty again. 

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One day you start to feel better. Then the next day you feel even better. You see a light at the end of the tunnel! Ha! You beat it! You start to mention it to other moms you know and guess what? They went through the same thing! You start to feel like yourself again. When you look at your baby you feel love and joy. And since you learned how resilient you are and how NOT ALONE you are, when the next low hits you are ready for it! (And trust, it WILL hit again)

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Thoughts I had when my partner was giving birth

“I wish I was in the waiting room with a cigar right now”

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“How can I get some sleep?”

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“I should be doing more.”

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“I’m useless”

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“Look at her face, not her vagina”

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“That’s the biggest thing I’ve ever seen!” (upon seeing the head for the first time)

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“Don’t say the wrong thing or the nurses will get mad at me”

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“I’m so proud of her!”

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“How is she so happy right now?” (when it was over)

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The real thoughts I had while giving birth

“This is a joke”
Seriously guys, this is impossible, right? Where’s the hidden camera? When do we get to the real delivery process because there is no way this thing is coming out of my vagina.

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“Please stop breathing on me”
Right before I went into labour my partner ate pizza. While demonstrating breathing techniques is helpful in theory, that night it was just real gross

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“I’m gonna poop, I’m gonna poop, I’m gonna poop, f*ck I definitely just pooped”
This is impossible to avoid but totally not a big deal

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“I’m gonna faint.”
I have never fainted in my life and I thought I was going to faint and it was terrifying

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“I am a zen master”
The only thing you can focus on is not focussing on any one thing too much

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“I don’t want my partner to see my vagina this way / Please look at what you have done to me”
It went both ways

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“I wonder what my mother is doing”
IDK

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“You’re doing great, you’re doing great, you’re doing great”
I actually didn’t have a choice in this one because my partner was just constantly whispering it to me and as much as I pretended to hate it I think it helped a lot.

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“That is the most beautiful grey slimy alien I have ever seen!”
Actual thoughts the first time I saw my son.

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“Why are women not worshipped for the goddesses they are?!”
Seriously!

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Things people said to me when I was pregnant that made me want to punch them in the face

“Wow! You’re really getting FAT!”

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“I’m starting to think you are having twins”

(I wasn’t)

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“Don’t buy those shoes now they won’t fit in a few months”

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“Are you planning to ____________?
Oh I could never do that”

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Oh you’re starting to waddle!”

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“I knew you were pregnant! Only pregnant people have that face”

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“I don’t know how you still wear leggings”

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“How are you feeling?”

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“I’m glad I didn’t/don’t have [that condition] it would be sooo hard”

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“Do you think you are having a boy or a girl? What does it feel like?”

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Thanks for trying to connect and engage with me but maybe don’t